Recipe: Uncle Robin’s Apocalyptic Vegetarian Chili

Robin Wilde
3 min readMar 16, 2020


Over the next few weeks, as a pack of feral hounds pulls your war chariot towards the last remaining supermarket, you might want to consider a meal that will feed the family well enough to avoid defections to The Damned Outdoors.

Over the last seven years I’ve been refining my chili recipe, and what better circumstances to unveil the secret technique than a global pandemic? At best, you’ll add a new tasty meal to your repertoire. At worst, future civilisations excavating our burial sites will have a higher opinion of our species if they find it.

You Will Need:

1x Large Cooking Pot with lid (a large saucepan will do, if the raiders have been at your kitchen supplies)

1x Small saucepan for rice

Sharp knife


1x large diced onion (white preferred, but you can use red if you prefer the flavour)

500g Quorn mince

1x Red Pepper, diced

1x Green Pepper, diced (use a yellow one if you’re a wuss)

1x Chili pepper or 2 tsp chili powder (your choice of heat)

400g Kidney Beans (drained)

400g Refried Beans (you can buy these in bigger supermarkets. You don’t need them, but they add extra bulk)

400g Chopped Tomatoes or Tomato Passata (depends on your preferred chunkiness)




Black Pepper

Vegetable stock or soy sauce to season the mince


I assume for the purposes of this recipe that you have oil. If you don’t, you’re probably beyond my help.

  1. Fry the onion and red/green peppers until the onion begins to brown.
  2. Add the Quorn mince. Mix with the onion, then add 100ml of water, the black pepper, the paprika, and the stock/soy sauce. Simmer for 10 minutes, stirring occasionally.
  3. Add the tomatoes and kidney beans, and stir. Cumin is the key to making this a good chili rather than a bolognese that you happen to eat with rice. Add a good three or…



Robin Wilde

Freelance writer and graphic designer. Once worked in politics.